November 30, 2015

This is Not How I Planned Things...


In freshman year English, we were asked to write a letter to our future selves. It would be put into a "time capsule" and we would get the letters back senior year to see what our past self had to say.

I gripped a purple pen with purpose and began to write a letter to senior-year Cristina. I remember this all like it was yesterday. Mrs. Edwards was telling everyone to be quiet and get to work as this could not be taken home for homework and a kid named Ryan kept peering over my shoulder and constantly asking "whaterr you gonna write?".

I don't remember my entire letter verbatim, of course, but I do remember the key points.

"I hope you're still with Cameron. I don't see why you wouldn't be as you really love him."
"Hopefully you know what college you're going to and what you're going to major in."
And the kicker...
"You better be captain of drill team."

It's what I'd always wanted. I guess it was my high school 4-year plan. Cameron was a pleasant surprise as no one expects to find their best friend/soul mate at such a young age, but I was adamant about the whole "get straight A's and be drill team captain" bit.

I had been dancing for years and I was good. My coach was already urging me to try out for junior officer and I practically had my try out routine choreographed a year in advance. Girls that were in my grade on the team always cooed that I'd be captain when we were seniors, and though I acted bashful and reddened in the face when they said it, I had always hoped they'd be right. I treated every day like it was my chance to prove I was right for the part, even if I had three years until I could even go out for it. Always on time, hair slicked back in a ponytail, smiling and doing the moves the biggest and sharpest.

But then everything changed from the way it was in the picture in my head.

Things happen and sometimes they're the type of "things" that make you decide to transfer to a different school for your senior year. I had people at a school five minutes up the road that I really cared for that I felt I needed to be with for at least a year before going our separate ways.

It turned out to be one of the best decisions ever. I really met some good people and my priorities really changed...in fact I really changed. And definitely for the better.

I never got to read my letter. I'm sure when the teacher found it and said my name aloud to pass it out everyone piped up "she moved!" and it was discarded into a trash can or something. I don't really resent this. I know what it said and I know the goals I had set for myself as a fifteen year old who's sole worry in the world was that she'd be well-liked and accepted.

Here, I was a few miles away graduating with a class of 50 kids rather than 900. I had argued my points in Bible class enough to make my Bible teacher tell me on the last day that he would "definitely remember me". I had accepted my admission to a school I never thought I'd be going to and was excited for the adventure. And though I didn't dance anymore, I had taken up teaching at a place close to home and realized that it wasn't the spotlight I loved so much as helping people get better at their passion.

So this is definitely the longest story that has ever been shared on the blog before and what for? Because I learned through all this that you can't worry about the future. You can't try to plan for it. You can't write yourself a letter and expect all your hopes and desires to be exactly in tact when you get there.

I've been worrying lately even though I know I shouldn't. I'm almost halfway done with my second year of college and I really don't know what the next few years will bring. I know what classes I have to take and all that, but what internship will I do next summer? What kind of job do I want to pursue? Where exactly where I live and work post-grad?

We all have worries like this no matter what chapter of life we're in. Just think, college kids: a couple of years ago you were worried where you'd go to school and what you'd study and look! You're there now. And it's probably pretty hard sometimes, but you've made it.

Nothing is ever accomplished by worrying and they say God laughs when we make plans. These are two things I hold on to when I start to feel anxious about the future. I know the facts: I will graduate, I will get a job, and I will start my own home. I don't know how any of this will unfold, but that's the whole point.. I'm not supposed to.

If I could write a letter to my past self that she would open in freshmen year English I would write: "Don't worry. Let things happen organically. Strive for grace, not perfection. And when something is not good for you anymore, it's ok to walk away."


Thanks for hanging in there for a long story today. And stop worrying; it's bad for your skin.

X,

Cristina


43 comments:

  1. It's definitely true, things don't always end up the way we planned!

    Lauren | The Arizona Prepster

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm so glad things worked out for you, even if it wasn't as planned.
    with southern grace,
    lindsey
    www.withsoutherngrace.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  3. I absolutely love this because I can so relate. I used to be the biggest type A perfectionist who would have my entire life planned out if I could... boy have things changed once moving across the world!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Aww, how sweet. Isn't it always funny how that stuff works? Things never go as planned, but cute idea for the letter anyway!

    xo,
    Sara Kate Styling

    ReplyDelete
  5. I am happy that things ended up working out in the end.
    I am definitely a planner too so making sure that things go the way I want them to is a hard habit to break since we can't dictate every second of our lives.

    xoxo, Jenny || Breakfast at Lillys

    ReplyDelete
  6. I am really a planner and things haven't worked out as planned AT ALL. I'm hoping that things take a turn for the better soon... fingers crossed. <3

    xo
    Lauren

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hope and prayers coming your way, girl! Sometimes things just have to go wrong before they go right and that can be pretty tough! Xo

      Delete
  7. Oh my gosh. Wow, this is truly beautiful! And exactly what I needed to read today, as I'm deciding my future. Thank you :)


    Courtney//As We Stumble Along

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Aw I am so glad to hear that! Thanks for reading :)

      Delete
  8. I absolutely loved this! Definitely something I can relate to being an over anxious planner. I've learned how to relax and let things happen on their own, and let me tell you; life couldn't be better.

    xo Alexis

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Aw, thanks! So amazing that you have learned to let go.. that's a tough thing to master! Thanks for reading :) Xo!

      Delete
  9. I love this post! It's amazing to look back and realize that the things that were so significant at the time are of zero importance later on in your life. You are wise beyond your years, Cristina!

    XO, SS || Seersucker Sass

    ReplyDelete
  10. It's so funny how things always work out in the end. When I was a senior in high school I wrote a similar letter and although my life now as a senior in college is nothing like what I thought it would be back then, it's so much better than I could've planned for!

    xoxo, SS

    The Southern Stylista

    ReplyDelete
  11. Things don't always end up how they are supposed to, but I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason! Such a great post!

    xo Ashley

    ReplyDelete
  12. What a wonderful blog post. I so enjoyed getting to learn more about you and your story- and I felt like I could relate to a lot of this! I never in a million years when I was growing up guessed that I would go to college 1000 miles from home, but God definitely had better plans. ;-)

    xoxo A
    www.southernbelleintraining.com

    ReplyDelete
  13. Love this - it really looks like you followed your heart which is the most important thing!

    Sarah
    http://www.bohochiccafe.com

    ReplyDelete
  14. Variety is the spice of life! We never know what's coming; it's all one long undetermined journey! :)

    xo,
    Stephanie
    Diary of a Debutante
    www.thediaryofadebutante.com

    ReplyDelete
  15. Even though I love making plans I've learned over the years to not get disappointed when things don't go the way I want it to. I've learned to accept change.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Love the way you wrote a letter to yourself and evaluated how you changed for the better!
    www.kayleighskloset.com

    ReplyDelete
  17. I absolutely love this post! I literally teared up reading it because it is so freakin' true and relatable! Also, super funny! You go girl!

    Xo, Rach
    www.seashellsandsparkles.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Aww love you Rach. So glad life brought me to meeting you and being best blogger gal pals!

      Delete
  18. I am not where I planned to be but I am SOOO enjoying the season of life God has put me in. Everything happens for a reason!

    -Morgan
    How 2 Wear It [] http://how2wearit.com

    ReplyDelete
  19. I love this! Especially this quote: You can't worry about the future. You can't try to plan for it. You can't write yourself a letter and expect all your hopes and desires to be exactly in tact when you get there.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Beautiful reflection on growing and changing. I also think my freshman self would be surprised by where I am now and what I am doing, but I don't think that is bad. To me, part of growing is allowing myself to change without getting caught up on the little things.

    ReplyDelete
  21. This was beautifully put, it indeed is great to write down goals but also to expect that God may have a different plan for you. It's so exciting to read along and see how excited you are for your future, no matter how different it is from what you expected. Love this!

    Jadoregrace

    ReplyDelete
  22. It's amazing how one decision can honestly change your life forever. That's something I learned a lot this year. I spent a lot of time reflecting on the things I've done and whey I did them and how things could have been different otherwise. I don't regret any decisions that I've made, and even some of the hardest ones that I made ended up being the best things for me. Kudos to you for taking the plunge and taking control of your life. I'm glad everything ended up working out for you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Beautifully put! Thanks so much for reading :)

      Delete
  23. Amazing post! Wow I'm totally speechless honestly. I wonder what I would have said to myself 8 years later.. Who knows?!

    Nicole // Chronicling Home

    ReplyDelete
  24. Literally sitting here sobbing reading this Cristina. I know I've mentioned it to you before, but I had such a similar series of events that took soccer away from me, and then moving schools as well. I too wrote a letter to myself at the beginning of my freshman year, but I got it back at the end of that year because I was moving. It was so silly, and had a ton of goofy little things, but one was definitely to have my D1 offer to play at some huge school. I think it is absolutely crazy how something do and don't work out. I don't wish for one second that I would have known what was in store for me, because this has been the craziest/best ride ever!

    Xo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's so crazy that we had such similar experiences. I know that it's hard having what once were your dreams not come true like you wanted them to, but you are definitely where you are supposed to be in life right now - and doing awesome to boot! Blogging, working, your relationship.. it's all so great and just part of who you are!

      Delete
  25. "God laughs when we make plans." -- love that!

    http://thealwaysblog.com

    ReplyDelete
  26. Loved reading this post! I remember doing the same as a young girl, writing letters to my future self - opening them years later is always interesting. Life never turns out how you try to plan haha.

    Pick Your Beau

    ReplyDelete
  27. I always worry too much about my future plans even though I know I should just let whatever happens, happen. It's good to know that I'm not alone in this! I really enjoyed this post Cristina.

    Kayla | kaylablogs.com

    ReplyDelete
  28. It's crazy and funny how things change!

    ReplyDelete
  29. Haha, this was a great post for me to read today. I need a reminder to stop worrying about my future and that things don't go as planner.
    -Kim
    www.simplybeingkim.wordpress.com

    ReplyDelete